Every year, the Kent & Sussex Courier are audited by the ABC for their circulation figures. Coincidentally, around this time, they run their 'Baby of the Year' competition. First prize is a bronze casting of the toddler's foot. Mmmm. Nice.

Page after page of ickle babies are printed and a form is included for people to vote for the most precious cherub.

You must buy a copy of the Courier to vote and there have been stories of parents buying dozens and dozens of issues to ensure their little darling wins. Funny that - just around the time the Courier are submitting their circulation figures...

Anyway, as I, in my humbly ways, consider that the beautiful toddlers are being exploited merely to bump up circulation figures, I have decided to Photoshop a 'designer baby' for inclusion. His name is Juanzo (pronounced 'hwahn zo') And here the diminutive sweetheart is.



Unfortunately, having created the creature, a small problem arose. Any entries had to be photographed by the official cameraman in the shopping precinct over a period of three days.

It was time to call the newspaper.

I phoned and told them that we were on holiday during the dates and my wife would be terribly upset if Juanzo's head was not printed. You see, Juanzo suffers from Wolf's Syndrome, a rare condition in which fur and whiskers grow - eventually obscuring the baby's smile.

The woman was very kind and understanding. She whispered that, as a one off, she would allow Juanzo's picture to be emailed. Just a head and shoulders shot please - no problem. The torso and cabbage were simply hacked off.



She received the picture that very afternoon then emailed back to say thanks and good luck. Which was nice of her.

*

Cut to Friday 24th June 2005.

Off I went to the shop, change a-clinking in my pocket, all manner of thoughts flying through my mind - 'Will Juanzo be printed?' being the primary one.

I bought a copy of the Courier and marched home. On the front cover was a huge banner, proudly announcing the Baby of the Year competition. As I arrived home, I opened the newspaper.



Aah yes. This will be the section I require.

I leafed through page after page after page of babies - the Courier's successful audit will be assured.




Alas, I could not find Juanzo.

Then I remembered that the cherubs are all classified by age group: 0-9 months, 10-18 months and 19-36 months. Now how old was the little bastard again? Damnit.

Oh yes, I remember, he was about 14 months. I scanned for the page.


Hmmm. All the babies were listed in first name alphabetical order...let's see...Jake, Jessica, Jordan, Joshua...Katie? Where's my fucking baby!?

No...wait...


...who's that cheeky little chappy nestled incorrectly (as also could be said for his life) under 'E'?





Yeeeeees! That's my boy!


*


Now, dear reader I prostrate myself and ask for your assistance. If you live in or around the Tunbridge Wells area, please spare a moment to purchase a copy of the Courier and plop your vote for number 267. The deadline is Friday July 15th.

You can order a copy of the Courier here.

If Juanzo wins, the first prize of bronze feet will be an interesting one to overcome. It has been suggested that I nip to the butchers and send a pig's trotter in the post - remember, 'Wolf's syndrome' could have many side effects.

My chum Ed has also suggested a poster campaign which I shall plop on this site once it gets underway.